Item 31160, Ben Evans Recreation Program Colle...

The steroptypical family structure: Mom, Dad, 2 Kids..

Mama’s Baby, Daddy’s Maybe

“Every family has its issues. If someone tells you that, their family has no secrets or skeletons in their closet, he or she is either lying or he or she has been too sheltered from their own family history to know the truth”-Me

Cynical? Maybe

Harsh? Maybe

Accurate? Definitely

Even if your nuclear family (mom/dad/bro/sis) is intact and you are proof that the 2.5 kids, dog, and house with a white picket fence, is true. Trust, that for most of us, our family has issues: big and small and our family tree would take up more than the house on the street. In fact, some of us would need the whole block.

Today, I was talking to a friend who informed me that she had recently found out she has an older brother by her dad.  She was shocked by the secret brother that she has no relationship with along a host of relatives that were attached with him. She stated that the paternity had always been in question, and her dad died while she was young, so that is why others kept it from her. He was unable to tell her about it before he passed.

This leads me to think about my own relationship regarding paternity: As a product of a man who denied paternity (and probably, to some extent, him and his family still do) the whole child denial is a sensitive topic for me. I think a sorry excuse of a male denies a child that could potentially be theirs. Plain and simple, if you had sex with a women unprotected and there is a possibility of a child being yours, do yourself, the child, and society a favour and take proper action to determine the paternity. Honestly, I feel males use that excuse to evade responsibility, particularly when they lament how the child is not theirs, yet take no course of action to see if it is or not. Why? Because usually, the male knows in their heart that it is a possibility that they could be the father, which scares them and they would rather not know if the child is theirs and never provide for it, than know for sure that it is theirs and not provide.

In addition, for the males those who discover the child is theirs and give the excuse “She tried to trap me. She know I don’t want no kids “as a reason to not provide for their offspring. SHAME ON YOU!! Even if the mother trapped you, is crazy, only wants a check, etc. what does that have to do with the product that resulted?  You were there. You didn’t take the proper precaution. You should man up and take care of your responsibility.  

Of course, talking about familial relations led to the question “Morgan, do you have any brothers or sisters?”

Inside, I cringe as I debate whether I should give a clear-cut ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. I decide to, as complicated as it may seem, give the truth, my truth.

I am the only child—from my mom. My biological father (who I have no relationship with) has 2 children (who I have met but to this day, they do not know my relationship to them). I assume they would be titled (half-sisters); I have no relationship with my biological father and consequently, I have no relationship with his other children. My mom is married and as a result, I was blessed with 2 step-brothers and 1 step-sister. However, it gets even more complicated as through crucial times in my life, prior to my mom’s marriage I acquired a father figure who has two daughters, who I refer to as sisters as well. So when I am asked the seemingly harmless question that many ask in getting to know one another, depending on my mood, my response ranges from an only child to 3 sisters and 2 brothers.

After hearing about my family structure, I am sure she felt normal in comparison. Lol

I told her my familial situation to inform her that families are complex. Family structures are difficult to explain. Many people who have no blood relation to us become closer than those who share biological traits. Marriages change structures. Divorces change structure. Many things outside of our control change the family structure. Moreover, sadly, for many of us, we know too well the saying “Momma’s baby and Daddy’s maybe.”

Complicated? Yes

Difficult to explain? Yes

Would I have it any other way? No

I love my family and the relationships that we have. I have many dad’s that I call on in times of crisis or just for everyday inspiration/advice.etc.  As far as I’m concerned, my biological father and everything attached to him (his sis/bros/others kids) are the ones who missed and are missing out.

One day, I will contact my biological sisters because it’s not their fault that our father, who may have been a great dad to them, was and is nothing more than a sperm donor to me.

I would be doing all of us a disservice if I, being the eldest, didn’t take action to form a relationship with them.

For that reason, I encouraged her to contact her brother–sooner, than later–to try to establish a relationship.

But, I do realize, that for many, their story does not end as happily as mine. Many do not have other people to go to in order to have that male father figure in their life. For those girls and women with no male representative, I am sorry. For those boys and men, whose father missed out on those special moments in life, I am sorry. I am sorry that you were not loved in the way you should have been. I am sorry that you were the victim in a situation outside of your control.  It is not your fault. I encourage you to seek those relationships with your uncles, mentors, etc. But above all know, that God is a father to us all.

Does this story ring true for you? I would love to hear about your family dynamics and how you overcame having a less than normal family structure.

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